Talking to Children When Someone Dies
Let’s face it, death is a difficult subject for anyone to navigate. It’s hard for children to navigate everyday life never mind the complexities of grief. Children’s understanding of death varies greatly depending on their age, emotional maturity, and prior experiences. Here are some guidelines and strategies to help you approach this sensitive topic in a compassionate and supportive manner.
Prepare Yourself First
Understand Your Own Emotions: Before talking to a child about death, make sure you have a decent handle on your own feelings. Children can pick up on your emotions, and your ability to remain calm and collected will help them feel more secure. In the event of an emergency secure your own mask first prior to helping others.
Gather Information: Be prepared to answer questions they might have. This includes understanding the details of what happened and anticipating what aspects might be confusing or troubling for the child.
Choose an Appropriate Time and Place
Find a Quiet Comfortable Space: Select a calm, familiar, and private setting where you won’t be interrupted. This alleviates any chance of discomfort in an unfamiliar space and allows the child to express their emotions freely.
Be Timely: Don’t delay the conversation. It's better for the child to hear the news from a trusted adult rather than finding out from someone else or overhearing it.
Use Clear and Simple Language
Be Honest: Use straightforward language. Avoid euphemisms like "passed away" or "gone to sleep," can confuse young children. Instead, try not to sugar coat things and simply say “died” or “dead.”
Be Age-Appropriate: Tailor your explanations to the child’s age and level of understanding. For very young children, you might say, "When someone dies, their body stops working."
Encourage Questions
Be Patient: Children may need to ask the same questions repeatedly as they process the information. Answer their questions honestly and patiently.
Be Open: Let them know it’s okay to ask anything, even if it seems trivial or off-topic. This helps them feel secure and supported.
Acknowledge and Validate Their Feelings
Normalize Emotions: Let them know that it’s okay to feel sad, angry, scared, or even confused. All feelings are valid during this time.
Share Your Own Feelings: It can be helpful to share that you are also feeling sad or that it’s hard for you too. This models healthy emotional expression.
Provide Reassurance
Offer Comfort: Reassure them that they are safe and loved. Physical comfort, like hugs or holding hands, can also be very soothing.
Maintain Routines: Try to keep their daily routine as normal as possible. Stability and predictability are comforting to children in times of change.
Involve Them in the Process
Allow Participation: Depending on the child’s age, consider letting them be part of the mourning process. This could be attending the funeral, helping to choose a picture for a memory board, or participating in a family tradition of remembrance.
Creative Expression: Encourage them to draw, write, or create something in memory of the deceased. This can be a healthy way to express and process their emotions.
Monitor for Changes in Behavior
Stay Vigilant: Children may not always express their grief verbally. Watch for changes in behavior, such as withdrawal, aggression, or changes in sleep and appetite.
Seek Support: If you notice persistent behavioral changes or if the child seems unable to cope, consider seeking help from a child psychologist or counselor.
Follow Up Over Time
Ongoing Conversations: Keep the lines of communication open. Grief is a process, and children may have questions or need to talk about the death long after it occurs.
Celebrate Memories: Encourage sharing happy memories of the person who died. This helps keep their memory alive in a positive way.
Talking to children about death is never easy, but it is a necessary part of helping them understand and cope with loss. By approaching the conversation with honesty, compassion, and patience, you can provide the support they need during this difficult time. Remember, it’s okay to seek help from professionals if you feel overwhelmed or unsure. Your care and presence are the most important things you can offer a grieving child.